She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
