So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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