The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
