Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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