i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
