The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
