I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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