the day after is always just damage control
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
