When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
