i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
