I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
