It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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