remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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