smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
