My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize