You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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