Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
