he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
