I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize