Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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