In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
