oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
