he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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