roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
