I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize