I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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