So drunk its hurt
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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