well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize