I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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