I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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