I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sober January is a disaster.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
