You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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