Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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