One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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