OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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