Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
