I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
