Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize