i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
