Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
