There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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