Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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