tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm too high and old for this...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
