I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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