a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
