Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
