Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
