I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
