My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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