I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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