I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
