This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im holly from the hills drunk
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
