When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
