headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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