Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
