The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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