I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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