i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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