If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
