Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
