Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
