we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
